Practical Approaches to Vocation and Family

I didn't grow up in a traditional family. I spent my teen years being raised by my father who worked full-time.  Even though I grew up in the Church, the thought that I would have a "role" in the family didn't really occur to me. So by my late twenties when I was married with a small child and another one on the way, I found myself at a crossroads.  I worked as a full-time English professor at a small private college and I loved my job.  But I began to feel an inner tension.  I did what most of us would do when we become uncomfortable on the inside:  I prayed.  I asked God about this turmoil and eventually I started to ask women a bit ahead of me in life about the twisting and turning I was feeling.  With their wise counsel and the Holy Spirit's breathing of Psalm 46 into my spirit, I made some minor adjustments that calmed me as our second daughter entered the world.  And I kept my job.

Then one morning before work after our second daughter was born, I knew something inside was shifting again.  The wonderful woman who cared for our daughters in our home had a sudden emergency and I didn't have childcare.  Packing the girls and six diaper bags (that's what it felt like at the time) into my car, I drove us to the college and set them up in my office.  My colleagues and my husband helped care for the girls while I taught my classes.  It worked and everyone was fine. Four months later I found out I was pregnant again and I realized I had to make a change in the way I was working.

Placing aside any stereotypes of what I thought a Christian woman's life should look like, or maybe out of sheer ignorance since I didn't have a clue how this worked, I prayed again.  This time, I asked God to show me how to live out a family life with the gifts, passions and education he gave me.  I'm really thankful I asked.

Here's a few practical thoughts I'd love to pass along to you that the women a bit ahead of me in life taught me:

• Follow your heart
• Share responsibilities with your spouse
• Find solid childcare even if you don't have a paid job
• Be creative in making money during seasons when you step out of your field

I like the above wisdom but I LOVE the ones below and I think you should pay close attention to them as a Christian woman in our current culture:

• Seek out women ahead of you in the race and initiate time with them
• Show your true feelings with these women about working and having a family
• Cry when the tears well up
• Don't make vocational decisions in the heat of chaos: pray
• Read Courage and Calling by Gordon T. Smith and consider doing it in a book group

What does it take to talk openly about family life and working as a Christian woman today without putting women into hurtful stereotypes?

Wisdom in Our Calling and Vocation

Do you ever find yourself asking God, "What is it exactly I'm called to do?  Or maybe you've asked, "What is the goal of my vocation?" I spent my summer chasing a writing deadline with a very clear goal at the end: a book.  All my closest people heard about this goal, whether they wanted to or not, because finishing the book was constantly on my mind.  In fact, my husband and girls were super supportive throughout the eight and ten hour writing days until the very end when each one said, "Isn't that book done yet?"  Reaching that goal, finishing the book felt so good.  You might read this and think, "She's fortunate to know her vocation, her calling."

Well, here's the backstory.  For almost ten years, when my daughters went through preschool and elementary school, I asked myself the questions above.  I wanted to write a second book not only for the subject but also for my vocation, my work, my calling. And it took ten years until it finally happened.  Year after year it seemed every door would close and every answer was "no."  In dark moments, I let the closed doors and the confusion of hearing, "no" serve to distract me from doing what my Heavenly Father wanted.  Ironically, as the ten-year-story of my life unfolded, I did walk in my calling and vocation but not the way I thought I would hear it and live it.

Here's Five Nuggets of Wisdom I learned in the Past Ten Years:  (I have more but five is a good start)

1. Our calling can come from a revelation, an invitation, or an employment situation.  I may not have said "Yes" to every invitation or job opportunity but I embraced certain ones with my whole heart.  I do not regret taking jobs or projects that seemed out of the box.
2. What brings us deep satisfaction tells us something about our calling.  On the Friday after I finished the book, I felt joy--a full and filling happiness that caused me to laugh.  The days and weeks that followed were not filled with more writing but with extended time with friends and family I had missed while I was writing.  The satisfaction I experienced from spending time with them is also a part of my calling; satisfaction has a way of leading us.
3. The "seasons" of our lives don't need to frighten us.  I wanted to do everything at once.  I have women friends who do this beautifully.  I wasn't one of those.  When the fruits of the Spirit started rotting in my heart because I was stressed, I knew it was God's way of letting me know I walked away from my calling.  I'm so thankful for a season of writing: it had a beginning and an end. Before that season, I had a season of no writing; I felt like Habakkuk in chapter three.  Looking back, that season had a beginning and end, too.  Don't let the word "seasons" frighten you.
4. Marriage and Parenting are part of our vocation. Building meaningful relationships with my husband and daughters required me to slow the pace of my life down significantly. I made a costly choice to work with more flexible hours. 
5. The burdens and pains I feel are an indication of my vocation and calling.  The very things that broke my heart and seared it with sadness were gifts God gave me to follow my call.  I learned to pay careful attention to them so I wouldn't lose the gifts I was born to embrace and hold dear to my chest.  

After a few months' break from blog-writing, I'm starting today to write about a new topic: Goals and A Woman's Vocation.  While I was finishing my book this summer, I had the sense that the chapter on vocation was calling for more attention.  As Christian women, we don't always have safe places to talk about our vocation and ask our deepest questions in fear of being misunderstood or judged.  Yet Scripture has much to say about our calling, our work, and our vocation.  Whether your work is full-time, part-time, volunteer, inside the home, around the world or caring for your closest people, I hope and pray there will something in these real-life writings that will speak to you or create good questions for you.  

Feeling Like We've Missed Something

The moment I realized something in our communication went wrong, I became livid.  I was angry that my daughter had not arrived at the meeting place we agreed upon.  Checking my phone to see if I missed her texts, it was as if I could hear the minutes counting loudly, "Five, six, ten, twenty."  Questions raged and flared within me, "How could she be so disrespectful?"  "Why am I living my life for everyone else?" In the half-hour I waited for the car to pull up, I decided I would take her phone away for a week, I would not be so available to take her or her sisters places, and I decided it was time for me to take on a full-time job an hour away so my family would appreciate me more!

The second my daughter climbed into the car she heard and she saw how unsatisfied I was and she was prepared for this as she apologized.  She knew I was dissatisfied with her not calling, with the position she put me in--inconvenienced and uncomfortable.  By this time, both of us were in tears and unable to to have good communication.  As I drove home, skewed images and dark fascinations began to form in my mind as I willed myself not to speed:   These are the moments my daughter will remember when she's 25, her mom being mad at her; I've sacrificed my job skills to build a family and I've failed. And then the darkest downward spiraling thought came: I'm done! Why do I try so hard when things don't go my way?!

At the heart of our vocation and calling, we hear voices tempting us to imagine that there's a better life for us.  The tempting voices are from our enemy who wants to trip us up into feeling we've missed something bigger and better and more important than what we've done or what we're doing right now.  Our calling is to be fully human Christian women who bring Light into the world.  My flesh was crying out for satisfaction when things didn't turn out the way I planned with my daughter.  But couldn't that happen with my colleague? My boss? My employee? My friend? Finding satisfaction in our vocation and calling happens when we realize the voice of the enemy is trying to distract us.  At the end of the day when I realized I had been distracted, I was in a better place to accept my daughter's apology and to simply explain my expectations of her.  What brings you dissatisfaction in your calling, vocation, your life?  Can you identify the voices and see them as distractions?

Psalm 90:14 "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad  all our days."

The "Must-Know" Prayer for Women Leaders

The “Must-Know” Prayer for Women Leaders  

MaryKate Morse, Guest Blogger 

A little while ago during a meeting, I had pressed a point that I thought was important. I came back to it a couple of times because I could see that my colleagues did not get it. Others were angry that I had brought it up, so I thought they didn’t understand. After the meeting I received an email from my boss taking me to task for causing problems. He put me in my “place.”  As I sat at my desk reading the email a deep sigh escaped me. I was and am weary of my contributions as a leader being perceived as “inappropriate.” I am a wife, mother, grandmother, and a woman who has leadership gifts. How do I lead as a woman called and released by God even when resistance is common?

Social research has shown that women’s identity gets constructed through relationships while men’s identity comes through accomplishments. So, people want women to be nice and play nice. If they are accomplished or show strength, their femininity is questioned.  If men speak up about an issue, they are “passionate.” When a woman speaks up she is often labeled a “control freak.” People are uncomfortable when a woman is strong. What bothered me most about my situation wasn’t the email censure, but rather knowing that men in these meetings who act passionately about a point and press it did not get emails from the boss putting them in their place.

So, what do I do? Women leaders face unique challenges throughout their lives as wives, mothers, aunts and sisters. Not just here in the United States but around the world. Women are 70 percent of the poorest and most vulnerable people on earth. One in three women suffers some form of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse by men during her lifetime. And yet we lead. We want to make a difference for Christ. We want to be obedient to God’s mission to go and make disciples. So how do persevere emotionally and spiritually?  What do we do as women who love Jesus and lead?

We begin with prayer, and I have found one that helps me a lot. When Jesus was facing his greatest challenge – his betrayal, torture, and crucifixion – he went to his Father in prayer. Jesus suffered injustice and pain, yet he prayed. He was misunderstood, ridiculed, de-valued, yet he prayed. In the Garden with even his closest friends unable to be present with him, he poured out his heart to his Father who loved him completely. Jesus prayed for himself with intensity and deep emotion. His prayer was raw and honest. He prayed three times for God to take this cup from him. Three times is a Biblical literary device to mean completeness. In other words, Jesus prayed his way through from his despair to fully entrusting himself to God. He said each time, “Your will be done,” until it was deeply settled in his heart. Jesus modeled for us the first steps on a difficult journey.

So, I do what my Lord did. When I feel misunderstood, frustrated, and weary on this leadership journey as a woman, I tell my Father all about it. I bring a vulnerable honest self to God. I tell God what I want and what I’m feeling, but then I give it all back to God. I pray, “Your will be done.” I do this over and over again until I am back settled in my Father’s arms and released from my weariness and sadness. I entrust myself to God who loves me completely and who watches over me.

The mystery of this prayer is the peace and resilience I have to go back and lead again. Instead of dreading the next time we had a meeting, I arrived feeling clear emotionally. Instead of avoiding my boss, I asked him about his family and day. I knew the struggle was not ultimately mine, but God’s. I felt God’s favor to be myself and trust the Spirit for the outcomes. Nothing really changed for this situation, but I was okay. Though a word of caution as one woman leader to another, sometimes after the prayer of relinquishment, the Holy Spirit will guide you to leave a toxic environment, or help you discern how to confront the person or issue, or help you mature into a better leader. The relinquishment prayer is a first step, not the next step. On our own we cannot change this world, but when we are fully submitted to God, God does watch over us and use us.   

MaryKate Morse

Author Making Room for Leadership: Power, Space, & Influence and A Guidebook to Prayer: 24 Ways to Walk with God

Nothing Better: Eat, Drink and Be Satisfied

Nothing in our culture encourages us to enjoy God by loving the bodies He gave us.  Body care and weight management is an art and a skill that can be meaningful.  I was asked to speak about the spiritual aspects of weight management recently and I found myself remembering a very difficult season in my life when I was in a pit of unhealthy body issues.

It's not easy for me to reflect on that time but as God lifted me out of the slime, He demonstrated to me how my body was created in wonder--I was wonderfully and fearfully made.

Do you look at your body and believe it was created in wonder?

Glancing quickly at research on this issue, I discovered how 20 million women and 10 million men suffer from a clinically significant eating disorder at sometime in their lives.  For many reasons, people struggle with body dissatisfaction.  By age six, girls can start to express concern about their bodies.  This breaks my heart.

Here's a brief story of how God rescued me.

When I was 21-years-old, a senior in college, I realized I had an issue with eating.  From all appearances, I was a successful student, I was in good physical shape (I even taught aerobics), my friendships were strong and I was working to help pay for school.  To deal with the stress, I started to restrict myself from certain foods.  Something was wrong, though, as I knew I was restricting myself from something deeper. But what?  I remember the day I was in our little apartment standing in the kitchen when I devoured a pan of cinnamon rolls in minutes.  It happened before I even knew it.  As I looked up from the dark pit, I asked God, "Why did I just do that?"  Soon after, I heard, "It's an intimacy issue. Your goal is to enjoy me forever and not fill up on anything else."  ( Don't think sexual intimacy here - think emotional connection).

It didn't take me long to let my women friends in on my struggle.  Just telling them, brought both my feet out of the pit.

 What was I so hungry for? 

The preacher in Ecclesiastes 2:11 says, "When I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless  . . ."  Several verses later he concludes that a woman or a man can do nothing better than "to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work.  This too, I see, is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or drink or find enjoyment?" (24-25).

I was hungry for satisfaction and here's what I learned through the years about enjoying God through seeing my body as a wonder of His creation:

• Body care or weight management is a daily craft: a little bit everyday is enough
• Body care is not just physical: Psalm 139 says we were knit together and fearfully made

• Body care is meaningful: it's wise to please God by feeding ourselves with plenty of healthy foods
• Body care is not about being in control but practicing self-control
• Body care is not about conforming but being transformed

How are you encouraging the younger women around you to see their bodies as a wonder of creation?  I'm asking myself this as I spend my hours with three teenage daughters.

Let's share our lessons with one another in transparency and awe of God's creation.

Forgiveness: For My Safety

http://issuu.com/fullfill/docs/forgiveness_final/15?e=0

Thoughts From Manhattan

Two weeks ago, I was in Manhattan sitting with 200 women inside the American Bible Society building.  Ten presenters, all assigned to a topic, spoke for 18 minutes at the first Q conference for women: vocation and calling.  With eager expectation, I listened as each woman (and one man) spoke from a place of vulnerability. Each one let me glimpse their precious relationship with God which renewed a vision for my own calling. 

Here are some quotes from the day I want to pass along as you eagerly desire the one thing that is most needed:  A relationship with Jesus Christ.

“Calling is when talents and burdens collide.”

“What are your burdens?  Burdens makes you weep.”

“Vocation means ‘voice or vocal.’ Quite literally, caleo.”

“Vocation is complex, is present, rooted in our grief, friendships, hobbies, children.  It feels complex because it is!”

~Kate Harris

“Ambition is bigger and better than building a tower in our own name.”

“Ambition is knowing your focus.  Choose the better thing.”  (Speaker was referring to Mary/Martha)

“It is true.  God calls us to a work that heals our soul.”

~Kathy Khang

“Whatever you do, do it with valor.”

~Rachel Held Evans

“When women fail to take their lives seriously, nobody wins.”

“Logistical challenges of raising small children should not fall on one person.”

~Shauna Niequist

“The glory of God is a human fully alive.”

“Students have an appalling level of fear for their future.” (Important for us as we nurture the next generation)

Bobbette Buster

“If there’s a call, there must be a caller.”

“God’s call is a demand that I live by design.”  (Speaker was referring to God creating our gender)

“Our call has one elemental core—a reflection of the image of God in our engendered humanity.”

~Kathy Keller   (These quotes are some of my favorites)

“Rest! Be Whole! God is for you”

~Deidre Riggs

What quote speaks to you?