Dear Friends, I've invited a woman from the younger generation to write to you today so we can catch a glimpse of her relationship with God, herself and the world. I'm sure some of you can relate to her inner life and journey. Spiritual growth is like a good run in Oregon's wine country: when we first start out we can barely catch our breath but the longer we go at it, the more freedom God gives. How would you encourage this precious one on her spiritual run?
I don’t really know how to write this journal entry other than just being completely honest and vulnerable with you and myself. I am a people pleaser, perfectionist, and one who likes to take and have control. I didn’t think turning 25 would be so pivotal in discovering who I am. I already thought I knew who I was. Maybe it’s that I’m finally realizing that I’m not perfect and that’s OK. I don’t know how you will react after reading this post, but all I ask is that you read it with an open heart and know that this has been a long time coming. Ladies, do you know when you run out of foundation, it’s not just your foundation that needs replacing. For me, it’s my foundation, powder, face wash, moisturizer, shampoo and conditioner that seem to run out all at the same time. This is a perfect analogy to my life circumstances. Everything is happening at once, it’s all running out and I need to be refilled by the only one who can refill me.
This is a little glimpse of who I was and still am in some ways. In college, I would never leave my dorm without looking completely put together. My hair, outfit, jewelry and face had to look perfect and if not, I didn’t feel complete. I have always been a person who had to have it all together. I found my self worth in the way I portrayed myself and the friends I had. Thankfully, now I prefer to live in my Nike spandex and Loft over sized sweater. My hair doesn’t have to be perfect and I don’t need eyeliner. My friends come in all shapes, sizes, personalities, career paths, and socio- economics. I love each one so dearly and couldn’t be more blessed in my relationships. I am not as concerned of what others think but more importantly I am finally getting comfortable in my own skin.
My parents adopted me when I was 3 months old from Korea. I don’t want anything I write to degrade the love and care they have poured upon me. I love them beyond this world. My parents always said I seemed like an only child with the way I acted and they way they spoiled me. However, I share my parents with 11 other siblings. This is something that I still struggle with even today. I am a selfish person who wants my parents to myself and I know I will never have that. I can relate to a quote my pastor said, ” I am so frustrated with the way I am wired, for it is far from what Christ exhibits. Christ is patience, slow to anger and abounding in love. I have to work extra hard to exhibit these characteristics. It doesn’t come naturally for me.”
I grew up in a white community. I never really appreciated my ethnicity because I never could relate to anyone in that sense, besides my little sisters. Just note, that I loved high school! I had a great time and don’t regret a thing. However, I remember feeling different because I wasn’t white, like my friends. I tried to be as white as I could and tried to forget I was Korean. In high school, I was not unpopular, so maybe I placed more emphasis on the way I looked because I had a status quo to uphold. I really don’t know. But I remember thinking I wish I was white. I tried to compensate my Asian features with my thin figure. Since middle school, I had a love/hate relationship with food and my body image. I read that if you seek professional help, you have an 80% of being cured and living normally from an eating disorder. This has probably stemmed from multiple things but all I know is that I am tired of it controlling me. By the grace of God, I am seeking professional help and will continue on the path to recovery.
Recently, I have been experiencing this deep sense of loneliness that I can’t figure out why or how it started. I see my friends in these relationships where they are loved for, cared for, pursued and sought after by a man. I wonder why I can’t have the same thing. I feel pressured by society to be in relationship with someone. I know in God’s time that perfect man for me will come, but why isn’t it now? I am frustrated with His plan. I am frustrated because I have family members and friends asking me why I am single, like I have something to do with it. They try and give me tips and advice to find someone, like I don’t know already. Satan knows this weakness of mine and relishes at the chance to throw other self-doubting questions my way. Why was I given up for adoption? Was I not loved? Why can’t I let guys get close to me? Am I not worthy of a man’s love?
I am tired of having to hide and pretend I have it all together. I am a girl who just wants to live a life God has intended her to live. I am a girl who is working overtime to learn how to accept God’s plan and allow Him to lead. I am a girl who just needs someone to listen to her heart speak truth and not judge her for when it does.
Writing this has helped me acknowledge that I am imperfect and it’s okay. It’s a place for me to be vulnerable with you and share my feelings, struggles, and victories. I am terrified that by showing my weakness, you will be disappointed in me. I hope that you aren’t and if you are, I am terribly sorry for letting you down. I am just a girl trying to figure out what it means to be true to herself yet true to others.
“Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.”- Isaiah 26:4